It’s 4:26 am. I’ve officially become nocturnal.
Today is my last day in Córdoba. Tomorrow we will leave for Madrid, and the day after, I will fly the million and a half hours home to San Francisco.
I’ve been dreading this blog post. I don’t know how to start it, how to end it or how to write anything that is suppose to come in between…but here goes nothing.
I’ve been feeling very withdrawn lately. I’m doing that thing where I go through the motions. I put on the smile, I crack the jokes, but deep inside, I’m totally numb. It’s not that I’m sad, I don’t think. Or maybe it is…? Don’t get me wrong, I’m going to miss Córdoba, but Córdoba isn’t my home. I have loved every second of this, but I’ve taken all I can out of this experience for right now. And now, well...now, it’s time to go home. It’s time to go home to finish what I’ve started and to start something new all over again.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t terrified for the summer and my senior year at Wheaton. I got the internship I wanted at ABC, and that’s all great and exciting, but…I mean… I have to buy “business-casual” clothing! I know that sounds kind of ridiculous to some of you, but I’ve never had to do this before. I don’t know how to be “business-casual” in an office with professionals where they have office supplies and mailrooms and coffee machines (one of which I’ll probably break knowing my luck). What if I’m not good at it? Or… what if I am?
And then comes senior year. I have to survive two senior seminars, write a thesis and apply to Graduate programs. And I have to do all of this while riding an emotional rollercoaster with highs of excitement and lows of fear and dread because I’m about to become “all grown up”. “When I grow up” is about to become a reality, and I’m not sure if I can handle that just yet.
And then of course where does Córdoba end up in all of this? Does it become a life-changing experience? Does it serve as the starting point of my independent, “adult” life? Or does it merely become a distant memory, a memory of a time when I didn’t have anything to worry about except being alive and present in that memory?
Unfortunately, I just don’t have the answers right now, and who knows when I’ll figure all of it out. I guess now all I can do is say goodbye to Córdoba and all of the wonderful people I’ve met along the way.
And I know this may sound strange, but I think the person I will miss the most is my host mother (as crazy as she makes me at times). She’s taught me that fiber is good for you (but only up to a point), that it’s okay to think someone is ugly (you just don’t necessarily have to exclaim it for everyone in the room to hear), and that women (especially Spanish women) can gossip at the speed of light without even meaning to.
And then of course there were tonight’s words of wisdom. First, you must always eat (because if you don’t, you will have your Spanish host mother, her sister and her best friend holding three plates in front of you all at once so you can pick what you want and stuff your face). Second, love and just wanting to have sex with someone over and over again are not the same things (and yes, she REALLY said this…in front of my friends nonetheless). And finally, love (or any cultural equivalent) is blind in every country, in every time zone and in every universe.
So, I suppose despite all of these feelings I’m experiencing at the moment, at least I have my host mother to help me find the humor and the beauty in all of it…right? ☺
Córdoba has been good to me, and for that, I am eternally grateful.
P.S. It’s now 5 am. And I’m still not tired. Ugh…